Getting the Girl
by Nate Grey
Summary: Takemoto discovers Morita's perfect formula for getting girls: Be a jerk. Kidnap girl. Enjoy!


Notes: I don't think I'm out of line by saying that Honey & Clover is one of the best animes out there. Now, it doesn't have giant robots, massive explosions, or human-looking aliens, because it doesn't need any of those to be a masterpiece. It has exactly what it needs to be awesomely great: Morita.

Warning: This will be short and SO stupid, but oddly insightful. Well, not really. You be the judge.

Summary: Takemoto discovers Morita's perfect formula for getting girls: Be a jerk. Kidnap girl. Enjoy.

**Getting the Girl**

**A Honey & Clover Crapfic by**

**Nate Grey (xman0123-at-aol-dot-com)**

* * *

Takemoto was always a little slow. He could admit that now, without feeling silly or ashamed.

When people told him Morita was insane, when Morita behaved as if he were insane on a daily basis, when Mayama tied Morita to large pieces of furniture and stamped "Insane!" across his forehead repeatedly, Takemoto had made the mistake of assuming they were all correct, and that Morita was very much insane.

But Morita wasn't insane. Not where love was concerned, at least. He was a mad genius.

He'd known all along.

The way to a girl's heart wasn't through friendship, pretty presents, or even impressive deeds.

No. The way to a girl's heart, was to turn her into a hostage for no less than a single night.

* * *

Morita had known from the moment he first laid eyes on Hanamoto Hagumi.

"This girl," he said to himself, "I'm going to kidnap her! But not yet. That's something I have to work my way up to. First, I'll torment her daily by forcing her into strange outfits, making her pose for humiliating pictures, giving her expensive or meaningful gifts for no real reason, taking off on long, mysterious trips without warning, and basically being an ass when we're alone. THEN I'll kidnap her!"

After he'd made up his mind, the execution had been simplicity in itself. He'd even had time to get rich and famous on the side!

Life was good.

* * *

Mayama had only figured it out after the first time he'd forced Rika to go to bed early.

"Odd," he recalled thinking, "I'm almost a head taller than her, easily outweigh her, and am obviously much stronger than her. Why hasn't it ever occurred to me to just make her do what I want? Could Morita-san have really known better all along?"

And the very next time that Rika made up her mind to refuse him, Mayama was having none of it. He told her exactly how things were going to go down, and if she didn't like it, tough cookies! He was the man, he was bigger than her, and she was lucky he was a gentleman, or she'd be barefoot and pregnant before he could count to five.

If all that failed, Mayama also had his Mighty Pimp Hand to fall back on, but it never got that far, thankfully. All he really had to do was block the door if she tried to run, and after a while, Rika even stopped trying to do that. That was something only Bad Girls did, and it was only Good Girls that Mayama rewarded with Cuddle Time. And despite all appearances to the contrary, Rika had always been very big on cuddling.

* * *

Nomiya had known it for some time, and nearly refined it to an art.

Yamada just made it so damned EASY, plus she was too cute. How could he resist?

She practically begged him to take her hostage, and so he had.

After that, all he'd needed was a steady supply of beer and tissue, and before he knew it, not only did he have the girl, but a lifetime supplier of free pottery, as well. He couldn't have arranged it better if he'd actually tried.

* * *

Takemoto only figured it out on that final night, as he pedaled to the convenience store with Hagu on the back of his bike.

Morita was essentially a jerk, and Hagu, for some unknown reason, liked him.

But in Takemoto's view, all Morita every really did was make Hagu feel insecure.

Well, HE could do that.

"Hagu-chan, you're not as cute as you used to be, and I don't think Morita-san is all that interested in a mouse with a busted paw."

Predictably, Hagu burst into tears... but she buried her face deeper in his back and clung to him more tightly, less because she wanted to, and more because she was afraid of tumbling backwards off the bike and hurting something else that she needed in order to draw.

Takemoto smiled and went right past the convenience store, pedaling on into the night with his prize.

* * *

Four months later, Takemoto was wiping sweat from his brow when the foreman tossed him a completely filled mail bag, which split open at his feet. Amongst the hundreds of death threats from Hanamoto, Morita, and basically everyone else that Hagu had ever been nice to, he found a simple but meaningful letter.

She was pregnant, it was his, and she eagerly awaited his return, whenever he found time to do so.

Takemoto smiled, packed up his things, and did his best not to be too obvious with his glee. Although it was hard not to giggle madly when he thought of that single, impulsive night in which he had lost both his sanity and virginity (in that order), and gained the love of his life.

Ironically enough, he had Morita to thank for that. Which he would, with Christmas cards featuring family photos of what would one day no doubt be their brood of sixteen ridiculously short children.

And all it had taken was a little kidnapping.

**The End.**

* * *

Endnotes:

This is probably the WORST fanfic I've ever produced. Also the shortest and dumbest. But the silly part is that all of the girls DO get kidnapped, and yet it still turns out to be okay. True, all they ever seem to do is fall asleep in the same room as their captor, but it still is just... wrong on some level. Of course, if these were real pros as opposed to silly, broke art students, things would end a whole lot worse, but thankfully that's not the case, so we can all sit back and debate about who should get to kidnap Hagu, thus winning her heart. But I have to admit that I love how she picked the double whammy: the older guy who happens to be her cousin, cuz incest is best. Although I'd be thoroughly amazed if it were even physically possible without injury, in their case.


End file.
